This post will have little to do with Japan. Or everything to do with Japan. I didn’t draft it, so we’ll see how it goes.
Today I deactivated my Facebook account. Recently, I’ve just been feeling very off, very incomplete. I don’t know what happened or why, but somewhere in the last month or so, I’ve forgotten what’s good about me. I think everyone deals with this at some point, and it’s never fun. But I wanted to somewhat explain myself to anyone who wants to listen.
I know I haven’t always been a good friend, the perfect daughter, or an understanding girlfriend. I know I get selfish and mean, but most of the time it’s because I’m so anxious going through my daily life, that I don’t really know how to act. I know I’ve written about this before. Japan as made me realize how afraid I am of so many things. It really is a good thing though; I’ve grown so much since August 2012, and I really feel like I’m a better person now. I’m at least taking the steps necessary to become who I want to be, and I’ve really begun to see what and who are important to me. Life has such a rich meaning to me now, and I really do have Japan and all the people in it to thank for that.
Yesterday I went to work, but left around 3rd period because I had a massive stomachache and felt dizzy. I didn’t think I had a fever or a bug or anything, but I went home and slept for pretty much the rest of the day. I got up this morning and got ready as usual but once in my car, decided I should take it easy again today. The doctor didn’t seem to know what was causing my symptoms, but suggested I reexamine my diet and try to reduce the stressful things in my life. She basically told me that I’m making myself sick.
She could be right. Recently I’ve become so worried and scared for my future. There are things I want to do, of course, but which path is right for me I don’t know. I want to be strong and make my own decisions, but I feel like being human is never so easy. I have to think about a lot of people and factors. Thankfully, I have a wonderful mom and possibly the best friends in the entire world. Now more than ever, I wish I could see them and talk to them more often. But I know they are always there for me, and that feels great.
I think that I often forget to just sit back and breathe. I get so wrapped up in going to work and being the ideal coworker and teacher. I focus too much on other people’s lives. I worry too much about things I cannot control. All of that piles up into big mounds of stress and anxiety, and it needs to stop. I need to stop. So from now on, I’m making a pledge to myself. Don’t get your information from Facebook, Kori. Ask people in person/directly how they’re doing. Go out more. Go for a walk and take pictures of birds. Put that piano to better use and learn more. Learn more in general. Find out how to get certified to teach from Japan. Take a TESOL course online or something. Exercise more, because we both know you need it. Eat more vegetables and seriously stop eating meat. Why did you ever agree to eat meat again? Just be you. If other people are into that, great! Maybe you’ll make new or better friends. But don’t force anything. YOU deserve everything. No matter how often you cry, you are crazy strong, girl. Your friends and family believe in you, and so do I. Do your thing. That’s all that matters.
I just put my hand over my heart and said this out loud. Feels good. Why I ever let myself forget this is beyond me, but I think we’re good now. Thank you so so much to all of you who have been here. Being human is not always easy, but it isn’t supposed to be. I am happy. I will continue to be happy. Even on days when I don’t want to get out of bed, I will be happy, because life is seriously way too short to be anything but. Right?